He knows it’s wrong but he won’t stop. Why?
A lot has been written on why men (and women) cheat. Often, advice for the cheater is increased self-control, mindfulness of the impact such actions could have on the partner, children, and self.
But is it really so simple?
Sometimes. Although if it were always this simple, infidelity wouldn’t have lasted thousands of years, infiltrated all races, cultures, social structures, turned its back on religions and other ethics education systems.¹
Resisting sexual temptation, therefore, appears more complicated than resisting a piece of decadent chocolate cake. Otherwise, pharmaceuticals might have come up with a pill to cure this ‘disease’ already!
Is there more that can be done other than relying on your man’s mind to end his trail of heartbreak and betrayal?
It’s useful to understand his reasons for starting infidelity in the first place. In this article, we’ll go deeper into your devastating puzzle and hopefully, shed light on a more effective solution to help him stop seeing the other woman.
Commonly accepted reasons for infidelity
Thanks to psychologists, candid bloggers, and undercover researchers, we have a pretty good understanding of what goes on in the mind of those who commit adultery. ² ³
Commonly accepted reasons include:
- Biological – need more sex than the partner is able/willing to provide, 97% of mammals go for multiple partners¹ for reproductive diversity
- Impulsiveness – give in to temptation, urges, curiosity
- Stimulation – desire to experiment, for the thrill of getting away with something, to feel alive
- Rebellion – get even with a cheating partner, shake up stagnation and boredom
- Fear – fear of commitment, fear of missing out
- Validation – want to feel valued, need more attention, more romance
- Shame – prevent contaminating the purity of noble household, segregate good wife/mother from dirty sex
Do any of these describe your man?
The animal in his human
Notice that most of the infidelity reasons are primal (animal) responses: Sex, temptation, curiosity, fear, shame, need for validation etc.
As you know, what sets human beings apart from animals is our ability to suppress primal instincts, and reason with society instead. When his human mind can’t successfully control his animal instincts, embarrassment and shame often develop, which is why affairs go underground.
This internal war between his human and animal aspects is where you can potentially help, to get him out of the need for actions behind your back.
Alas, all persons possess an animal body that houses a human conscience. No one is immune to having an animal moment.
The question becomes: Could you tame the animal in him so that it doesn’t need to leap out unnecessarily to destroy the good that he’s established?
Need for acceptance and love
The most fundamental motivation bubbling beneath all living things is the drive to survive. In our DNA is the code for preservation and creation of life, for the survival of the human species.
Also in our DNA is an intrinsic understanding that being accepted and loved by tribe members close to us increases our chances for survival. Which is why men and women alike stray to seek more acceptance and love, if they don’t feel accepted and loved enough at home.
Past these fundamentals, men and women differ. You and your husband seek acceptance and love in different ways as a result of biology.
Understanding how he’s different could help you to communicate better with him, and create an atmosphere at home where he would be happy enough to not need to stray to other women.
Men are secondary for our species LOL
Scientists recently discovered biological evidence suggesting that women play a far more significant role than men in human evolution⁴. This could go a long way to explaining your husband’s infidelity that seems irrational to you.
The conclusion came through research on the human microbiome, which is the giant community of good bacteria, viruses, and fungi inside our body that keeps us functioning healthily. This microbiome helps our DNA to adapt to changing environmental conditions over time, that is critical for the survival of our species. Microbiome information is passed down from generation to generation only via the mother – through her womb, birth canal and milk.
Such revolutionary understanding supports the speculation that since the dawn of mankind, men have felt their contribution to life creation is of lesser importance than women.
In plain language, men are inherently more insecure than women!
This could explain why men seem more power hungry throughout history than women – to disguise their indescribable feeling that they might be insignificant and disposable! Early psychoanalyst Karen Horney coined this phenomenon “womb envy” ⁵.
Womb envy has caused all kinds of primal behavior in men that don’t make sense to the advanced human conscience. It drives them to display power somehow. If they’re not conquering countries and they’re not winning the money game, guess the easiest thing might be to overpower more women! Not only are you shaking your head at his affair, but chances are also that his conscientious mind doesn’t completely understand why either!
What it means for you
The best thing you can do then to keep your man around you loyally may be to show him that he’s accepted and loved by you CONSTANTLY!
Have compassion that he could be deeply insecure in nature – so deep that his mind may not be able to overcome it without your support.
Understand that his primal instincts may push him to prove that he’s still worthy of life on Earth, the moment he feels a bit rejected and vulnerable (for example at work).
When he’s strutting his stuff, putting you down, or verifying his virility on the other woman, empathize that he’s doing it because a part of him genuinely feels not enough. It’s most likely not a reflection that he feels you’re not good enough…in fact, it may be that he feels you’re so much more than him that he’s frustrated!
So if you have already talked to him sternly about his affair and he hadn’t stopped, it may be because he felt you added to his rejection and reduced worthiness.
Of course, along with compassion for his insecurities, please give yourself compassion for the rough times that you’re going through too. While you continue to show him love and acceptance, don’t forget to step up and do whatever is prudent to get your (and your kids’) needs met. Stand tall and protect yourself. There’s a fine line how much compassion to offer him that only you can determine, perhaps with the help of a professional.
It’s strange and tricky, unfortunately it’s just the way nature runs.
¹Cris Gladly, “Why You Were Born To Cheat On The Person You Love (Yes, Really)” Your Tango, Oct 26 2018 https://www.yourtango.com/2016286208/real-100-unfiltered-reason-people-cheat
²Lori Beth Bisbey, “Why Some People Cannot Seem To Stop Themselves From Cheating” Jan 2 2018 https://www.yourtango.com/experts/loribethbisbey/why-people-cheat-cant-stop-themselves
³Mason Lerner, “’Why I Cheated’ — 5 Brave People Reveal The Real Reason They Strayed” May 3 2018 https://www.yourtango.com/20085645/why-i-cheated
⁴Sayer Ji, “How The Microbiome Undermines The Ego, Vaccine Policy, and Patriarchy” Mar 3 2019 http://www.greenmedinfo.com/blog/how-microbiome-destroyed-ego-vaccine-policy-and-patriarchy
⁵https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Womb_and_vagina_envy