This article is also published to Your Tango.
Focus on these two steps for your wellbeing regardless of where he’s headed
Demoted without notice from being his “significant” other to his “insignificant” other sucks.
For years you’ve worked hard to be the most nurturing queen of your kingdom, and suddenly you’re de-throned. You’d been taken for granted.
Trusting him again will be hard, but worse than that now, trusting yourself has become shaky. After all, you were so sure that he was your perfect life partner, how could your choice end up hurting yourself so badly?!
How do you keep going?
Regardless of why he did it and what the outcome of your marriage might be, don’t allow it to ruin your future.
Focus on these two steps to move onwards and upwards. Focus on your own happiness and your personal goals.
This is especially important if you’re a mother. Your kids will silently feel for you, learn from you and model after you as they grow up.
Step #1: Cover Your Downside
Assess your fundamentals to prevent feeling victimized.
Being abandoned by your biggest supporter and protector is literally like having the rug pulled from under your feet. Understandably, you will feel shaky. At this time, it may be wise to take stock of what you have, so as to gain clarity of areas to work on, in order to re-establish your stability.
My Soul Coaching teacher Denise Linn taught me the best advice to handle bad news: Assess your worst-case scenario. If the worst happens and you’re still covered, then you can relax!
Check these items:
- Accessible Cash – Will you have enough to survive in case he leaves? Is there a way to provide for your kids if no supportive payment comes in from him immediately?
- Sustainable Income – Do you have a job? Or do you have skills that could quickly land you a job? Where would you go to find a job tomorrow?
- Physical Needs – Will you and your kids have a place to stay? Do you have the physical strength to carry on daily chores alone?
- Supportive System – Who among your family and friends could you approach for emergency help? Who could you talk to for emotional support? Is there an agency you could turn to?
You may notice that these questions are a quick assessment of your ability to become independent. You’re right.
Whether you want to continue your marriage or not, your ability to be independent puts you in a stronger position in life.
If you have good answers to all these questions, you’re going to be ok come hell or high water! This step puts you in a position of strength, helps you to keep calm to strategize your next move going forward.
Step #2: Build Your Upside
Make the pain worth your while. Reflect on what used to happen to help you move toward what you want to see happen in the future.
If you want a respectful relationship that lasts, read on…
Whether you will stay in this relationship or begin a new one, moving toward self-sufficiency in Step #1 allows you to establish a more balanced partnership with your man.
The most ‘enlightened’ form of relating is interdependence. An interdependent relationship involves two fully self-sufficient persons who choose to share their life together, out of love and the enhanced power of partnership, rather than out of need and tradition.
Interdependent relationships don’t fit the Hollywood model because there is no drama involved. When partners truly respect each other, they can always work out problems to mutual satisfaction. These relationships last a long time.
Some men may not like this form of relating though. Your husband may feel less than a hero when you don’t ‘need’ him. (That might say something about his lack of self-worthiness! Do you really want to stick around a man who forces you to stay weak just so he can feel better about himself?)
Not many people understand how to relate like this.
If you want to move toward interdependent relationships for a fulfilling marriage long term, consider fundamentals such as these:
- Are you able to support yourself in key areas of life? Over-dependence can suffocate your partner. Money and happiness are common areas to watch.
- Have you been sharing responsibilities? Avoid taking over a chore so much that your partner has no idea of the effort involved, which could fuel disrespect from him. Childcare and housework are common examples.
- Have you been sharing power? Do you really understand his point of view? Men often don’t express their emotions well because our society trained them that way. You’ll lose him if you don’t play psychic a bit and respect him, by bringing his unspoken desires onto the decision table at the same time as voicing your own desires.
- Are you looking after your health? Good health is important for a happy relationship. A weak and irritable partner is very difficult for any human being to handle. This includes PMS.
Being superseded by another woman hurts. Please take care of yourself by watching your (and your children’s) survival needs first and foremost. When you find yourself in negative thoughts, do your best to look at the past only as an assessment for your future. Use the pain as fuel to fine tune yourself, and become an even better partner in a relationship. Stay tuned for my next article on why your husband might be seeing another woman.